so pure, so rare

sarcana Contestar:

This is actually something I can go on and on about for ages because, as you’ve said, it’s relatively unaddressed in the fandom but also absolutely heart wrenching and compelling to me, so I do definitely have thoughts on it. I’ve touched on it briefly in previous posts, so I’ll try to keep it as short as possible here.

I think what’s crucial to examining the way Clarke’s feeling in that moment leading up to the kiss is remembering just where Clarke’s head was at for the entire episode until it happened. I won’t go into too much detail for the sake of length, but essentially, at every turn, Clarke’s primarily focused on how she can fix the situation and establish a sort of stability in the prevention of another war between the grounders and her people. This can most definitely be attributed to (and I would never try to assert contrary to it playing a major role in her thinking) in her desire to keep her people safe. Up until Lexa announces the blockade and the kill order, she’s under the assumption that she’ll be able to do so while staying in Polis, as long as she appeals to Lexa and convinces her to hold off any sort of offensive maneuver. Once the kill order is announced, however, this shifts. Clarke knows she won’t be able to stay, but under the threat of the inevitable departure (and with it the implicit acceptance that the tensions between their people are so severe as to prevent even their own personal, peaceful coexistence) she becomes a bit desperate, and in that desperation reveals that it’s not just about her people after all.

Once Lexa invites her to stay, Clarke becomes conflicted in a way we’ve never once seen her before. She knows, logically, that conditions between the grounders and her people are dire. She knows, logically, that she cannot stay “behind enemy lines” while those conditions are dire. She knows, logically, that she has to leave if she ever means to improve those conditions. She’s mulling over ideas regarding how she can do both, help her people and stay (”I just have to talk to Lexa”, ”Maybe I can do more for them by staying here”) when Octavia shuts down that line of thinking, to which Clarke is very visibly downtrodden:

“You have an hour to say your goodbyes”

When she finally, though regretfully, accepts that she needs to leave and cannot possibly stay, no matter how much she wants to, she walks into Lexa’s room to say goodbye. But she doesn’t see her, and is terrified that she missed her chance to see her one last time.

Once she finally sees Lexa, she’s physically taken aback by her presence. Everything is hitting her in this moment. The inevitable departure and the feelings she hasn’t yet addressed regarding how Lexa makes her feel.

And then it goes further. When Clarke means to apologize (a reflex she’s fallen into as a result of people’s treatment of her) Lexa not only rejects the apology on the basis of it being unnecessary, but validates Clarke’s decision to leave as one of the many reasons why Clarke is good, and worthy of love, and Clarke. In these moments Clarke is being reminded of exactly why she wanted so desperately to stay, and it’s hitting her like a semi-truck.

“That’s why you’re you”

It’s in the light of this reminder that she does her best to address her feelings. “Maybe someday you and I will owe nothing more to our people.” It’s naive, and a thinly veiled attempt to console. But in that moment it’s all they have, and Clarke needs to say something. So she lays it out there. Says that if there’s ever a time for peace, ever a time when their people don’t need them anymore, then they can make a go of it.

But then Lexa extends her hand, and echos “May we meet again” as she did the last time one of them left. And what Clarke finds in that reminder isn’t hatred, but forgiveness. And the combination of that realization, on top of all the reasons she wants to say, and the physical contact that suddenly isn’t enough, Clarke is overwhelmed in her emotions. And so she launches herself into them, head on, pulling Lexa towards her.

The handshake and the vocal proclamation of her desire for their “someday” is quite suddenly and quite obviously not enough for the intensity of what she’s feeling. She knows she’s in love with Lexa. She knows she’s forgiven her. And she knows she might never see her again.

All of that manifests in a physical expression, unsurprising considering Clarke’s deficiency at really naming and expressing her emotions vocally. Where words fail her, Clarke means to show.

And so she acts.

In sum: what is Clarke feeling in this scene? A lot. She’s feeling a lot.